hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
