The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
