When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
