The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
