I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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