she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
