I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
