watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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