so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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