I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
