I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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