i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
