If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Im part way to drunk.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
