So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
