dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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