dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
