Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
as a side note pls kill me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
