i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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