How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
