I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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