the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
