worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
