Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
