were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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