I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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