Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Bring me that man meat
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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