Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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