He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
