I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
