I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
The air taste purple.
Randomize
