Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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