Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
