when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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