I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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