I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
