I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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