i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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