My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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