He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
