I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
