One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
