I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
