R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
