That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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