I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
