I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
not ubering you a puppy
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
