I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
