remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
