Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Send help, water and tortillas.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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