Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
worst night to have a conscience
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
