the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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