I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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