I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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